I wasn’t aware of my belief system until I started watching videos on Leeor Alexandra and Dr. Joe Dispenza. My belief system was built around my bad experiences. Because people treated me badly, I believed it was my fault for their treatment and that my life would always be that way. I believed I didn’t deserve my desires because I felt unworthy.  Because I had struggled so long with my mental health, I believed it would always be that way. 

I am a black christian and my history with the baptist church has shaped how I viewed faith. Most traditional christian churches teach humility to an extreme. I was taught I am a lowly worm undeserving of any mercy but because Christ is so merciful, I am redeemed. This kind of teaching is not healthy for someone who already had poor self image. Because of this teaching I never felt like I belong in the church. I always felt like I was unworthy in God’s eyes. I agree that humans are definitely flawed. God is merciful but God deems us worthy even when man says we are not. I came to an epiphany that God would not bless someone he would not deem worthy. The mistake I would constantly make was the way I would start off my prayers.

Dear God,

I know I am not worthy but I need…

I am basically saying “I know I don’t deserve it but please give it to me anyway.” Would go up to your boss and say “I know I don’t deserve a promotion and there are so many people better than me but could you give it to me anyway.” 

Yes we are to humble ourselves before God but shouldn’t degrade ourselves. 

For many years I thought God wanted me to suffer because he never “cured” me of my depression. He never asked my prayers for the things I wanted in life. Looking back I am glad he didn’t fix me immediately. 

We ask God to cure the symptoms but we never point God to the source of our ailments. It’s like getting nasal spray for a congested nose but not getting medicine for the virus that is causing the symptom. I believe that why many people struggle with addiction. Addiction is sometimes a symptom for underlying issues people don’t want to face. I have a friend who struggles with  drug addiction that stems from childhood abuse. If God was to take away the urge for the drugs she would replace it with something else to numb the pain. She would never face what caused her to use the drugs in the first place. 

The depression and anxiety was just a symptom of a larger problem I was facing. I had repressed memories of sexual abuse that would later worsen as I got older. If God was to bless me with my dreams coming true of my chosen career or husband I would never be able to handle the blessing. Thinking all the rich and famous people who have their dream come true but are not mentally stable enough to handle massive success because of underlying mental health conditions. 

For many years I believed God doesn’t answer my prayers but my journey in my mental health has taught me different. The question isn’t will He answer my prayer but am I asking for the right thing and am I ready for it?

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